Sigh. It's not like I want to be mad at everyone, that's just the way I feel sometimes. I get frustrated knowing I can't do the things others can. The simple things. Who cares if someone's smarter or stronger than me? Lots of people are. What really kicks me, is everyone else can do wrong. I can't. My life is structured that way. As soon as I do, I get caught. Or, in most cases, I just don't have the desire to do something in the first place.
I can't be tempted to do things, because before I get a chance, the temptation is replaced by the knowledge that I'm not going to. It's not even that. It's like suggesting to someone that they can breathe in the vacuum of space, why don't they go ahead and try it. They know they can't, and so decline as the idea is preposterous. I get more "peer pressure" to do things than most other kids, because people know I won't. They'll confidently offer me a drink, a smoke, a chew, or whatever, knowing full well that I'll decline. So it becomes sort of a game to them. For me, it's just silly.
As for emotions, well, I've lost my control. Much of that has to do with one young lady. Funny that. She's not anyone special. Leastaways, not as I can figure. I mean, she doesn't try to be out of the ordinary or special. In fact, the only reason she seems that way to me, is because she hurt me. Going from caring to indifferent, she tells me she wants to be there -- and then doesn't show up. Not that I blame her. I don't want to deal with my problems either. But at least I have the courage to admit that.
She waffles between wanting to care and not wanting to get hurt, Anna does. She's seen for some reason, something no one else has before. Or maybe, she's just been able to communicate it to me. I trusted her, thought she could help. Thought she wanted to help. Then I got thrown flat on my face.
I was shown that I wasn't worth talking to, I wasn't worth making time for, that all my ideals were good for laughing at, and that I should stick to be support for others -- not seek it from them. Hard way to learn that, don't'cha think? Especially since I already knew that. She's the one who convinced me I was wrong, and then proved them all over again.
I wish I could just say, leave me alone. But I promised my friendship for as long as she was my friend. Usually people leave me and I don't have to worry about it anymore. The "friendships" continue only because of my block-headed stubbornness to write letters that never get returned and make expensive long-distance phone calls. I've never had a friend who treats me like dirt and acts like nothing's wrong between us. I must say, it's a new experience.
But then, maybe I'm being to hard. Maybe it's my fault. People are always complaining that I never tell them how I feel -- I never tells them my problems. When I finally DO tell them., they inadvertently turn around and tell me to leave them alone. They get mad, or show indifference, or "don't want to get involved", or just want to forget about it. Isn't that sweet. Hey, after all, what are friends for?
A friend in need is a friend indeed. Remember that Anna? It's on the back of a picture. Obviously, if they're no longer in need, then you can't be friends anymore.
So where do I go from here? I know not. Whether I save this, send it or trash it. I guess, for now, I get back control of my emotions. Uncontrolled anger is useless. So are tears and embarrassment. At least I can still ignore pain.
5/16/96