I find myself writing more over the years. For the longest time, I knew not why. Now I know. As time passes, I gain more and more knowledge. I'm always trying to pass that on to people. I write huge e-mail letters, and essays no one sees. Maybe no one will listen in my time. None of my friends will ever listen to a word I say. But, like old artwork, my insights might become precious after I am gone. It is this hope that I hold onto.
If not for this, then what? I feel that I have a big job to do, but I know not why -- or what that job is. I've been given many blessings. One of those is luck. I am very lucky. Even when something bad happens to me, I gain something from it. I gain "experience" -- that great equalizer which allows me to say, "I know. I understand." I've been blessed with great intelligence and few earthly needs. The only thing that really matters to me in the end, is other people. I slam my head against the wall thinking about all the stupid things people do. Especially kids. I watch the innocent lose their innocence. I watch the naive become the "knowledgeable." It does not bring me hope. At the same time though, I see there are those out there that are trying. Those out there that are doing. But there are so many who are not.
I'm tired of being lied to, I'm trying of being a cornerstone and a pillar of strength. I'm getting pushed into the mud. Yet -- I cannot stop. I don't want to stop. I wonder though, truly wonder, what it would be like to have someone in my life like me. I guess, that's what God's for. "Cast your burdens onto Jesus." It seems that for many people, I am the one that they cast their burdens upon. Another of my blessings -- people talk to me. It's not just that I listen -- people know I listen. And they know before I even tell them. It seems there's just something about me that gets people talking. It's happened that I'll get someone's entire life story the first time I meet or talk with them. And sometimes, I never talk with them again. If I'm someone's best friend for a week, and then never talk to them again, have I helped? Or have I hindered?
I wish I were Jesus. I wish I was capable of loving everyone, and showing them all that. Okay, maybe I want to be famous too. But I just wish I could find the direction my life is leading me. I write stories that will never be finished, except in my head. I live in places that only I will ever know. I experience a joy and a love I wish I could pass on.
Douglas: Out of the dark waters.
Into the light?
I hope so.
5/12/96